Beast Wars was awesome. Great animation by Mainframe, well written story lines, deep characters, tons of action, a little humor, plenty of memorable moments, and an incredible voice cast. It had heart and soul. If you haven't seen it, and I mean each and every episode, you owe it to yourself to give it a chance. If you're turned off by the fact that it's not "the old" Transformers, well then you're missing out. Beast Wars was different then Generation 1, and dare I say, it was better.

However, much like the original Robots in Disguise of 1984, the Beast Wars animated series was pretty much a commercial for the toys. A good commercial, but a commercial no less. In the world of the Transformers, it has always been the case that the toys come first.

And so, today we turn to the time before the Beast Wars had begun in its animated form and we truly knew Optimus Primal and his crazy Maximal crew. A time before the story of the Beast Wars was refined by the folks at Mainframe. A time when the first signs of new life in the Transformers franchise would begin to fill the toy store pegs. A time of...

The Optimus Primal VS Megatron Beast Wars 2 pack!

Yes, before Optimus was a gorilla and before Megatron was a tyrannosaurus rex, these two basic-sized toys were released and packaged together along with a short comic book. As the animated series had not yet begun to air, this set was to introduce children and collectors to the new era of the beast. Luckily for us, when the series finally did air, everything established here was disregarded. I say luckily because, well, this stuff was pretty weak. However, I will do my best to explain this different take on Beast Wars using the only method I know. I shall make fun of it without mercy.

Ok, here's the first problem. We know from the animation that Optimus Primal is not the same character as Optimus Prime. Primal is just another leader. But in this case, it would seem like Hasbro (actually Kenner at the time) originally intended the original Prime to change his name to Primal and become a bat. Why the hell he would actually want to go from a huge powerful truck to a wimpy little bat is beyond me. A gorilla I could understand, but to go from a truck to a bat would be a big step down. To make matters worse, his robot arms and legs just hang from his bat-neck in beast mode.

One of the neatest little extras about the original Transformers were the Tech Spec cards that contained a quote, their stats, and a description of their powers and personality. But for Optimus here, we get...

The Maximals and I have no choice but to stop Megatron and his Predacon minions before they destroy us all! Freedom may be the right of all sentient beings, but to protect the greater good we must vanquish the Earth from these evil Predacon creatures! It won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is!

Uh... yeah, that explains everything. So, it won't be easy, huh Optimus? Yeah, no kidding! You're a bat! What are you going to do, give the Predacons rabies and then take their base when they're all gone to the hospital? Geez. Luckily Megatron does a little better.

Again, this guy is supposed to be the original Megatron instead of the super-evil smooth criminal dinosaur mastermind we grew to love later on the Beast Wars TV show. Now, a crocodile is a pretty good fit for an evil leader, but considering how when we last saw Megs he was transforming into a variety of tanks in Generation 2, it's a little bit disappointing. Plus his robot face has these silly looking teeth sticking out of his mouth. I'm sure all the other Predacons would find it hard to follow a guy with a set of teeth like that without laughing while he was giving orders. But this toy is by far the better of the two. Let's see what he has to say.

Prosper or perish is the Predacon way of life, and we plan to survive by driving the Maximals into extinction! That bat-brained Optimus Primal thinks he can challenge our strength, but he has yet to feel the painful punishment I'll give him as I sink my teeth into his furry flesh! He may still be a robot on the inside, but on the outside...he's my lunch!

Ok, that last line was pretty cool. Robot cannibalism is always a good thing. The rest of it could have been from a rejected Batman villain.

Here's the part that bugs me the most. Megatron has a fairly large, cool looking gun made from his beast-tail that can clip to his back or fit in his hand. Optimus has two swords and no gun. So why do they both have a "firepower" rating of 7?! Not only that, but Optimus' swords look to be about as dangerous as a broken pair of children's safety scissors. Yeah, that's a really fair fight.

And fight they shall! Hide the young ones, as here is the complete, uncut, uncensored Beast Wars comic book, injected with my own brand of electric raspberry blue ninja wittiness!

A silent shadow rises...Gliding above the darkened jungle floor..A Bat so massive it threatens to eclipse the moon!

A silent shadow, huh? As opposed to what kind of shadow? If this shadow were not silent, it would kind of defeat the entire purpose of being a shadow. Also, it would be rather difficult to eclipse the moon while gliding above the darkened jungle floor instead of flying high in the sky.

Eyes of a stalker hunting its prey...The super swift cheetah springs! But food is not on this hunter's mind...

Oh I know, I know! It's because he's a robot, right? Hmm, food not on the mind of Cheetor? But I thought he always liked pie.

Whose tusks gleam in the night? The wild boar, one of the most feared jungle predators!

Whose writing makes me want to vomit? Seriously, who wrote this junk? I can't find a credit anywhere in this book. Somehow this does not surprise me. Now then, I'm no animal expert, but I do know why studios make movies about sharks and alligators instead of wild boars. It's because those animals are feared predators and boars are goofy looking!

Optimus: Optical sensors detect thermal emissions and fusion activity, I think we've found it!...Auto-motion detectors tracking something outside fusion building's perimeter...it appears to be a harmless Earth creature!

I hope you saved the receipt for those sensors, Optimus, 'cause they don't work! Besides, even if that was an Earth creature, crocodiles aren't exactly harmless. Primal here would just be a convenient tasty flying snack delivery.

THWAK!

Optimus: Wha-? Unnh!

Megatron: Guess again Optimus! You may have located our genetics lab...but you'll never survive to see the secrets inside! Predacons ATTACK!

Now, I would assume that this genetics lab would be the place where the Predacons were given beast modes. Well some secret that is, Einstein! It's a little late for that now! If you didn't notice, Optimus has a beast mode too! Lamers.

Optimus: Our bio-genetic morphing process has allowed us to create the perfect fusion of organic musculature and Transformers technology!

Good thing we're talking about this now, in the middle of a battle, or else I would have never figured out that these Transformers have become animals! Really, is Optimus trying to strike up a conversation during a fight, or just bragging? Call the scientific journal and hold a press conference, bat boy.

Megatron: As have we--but my genetically altered Predacon robots were created with the DNA from Earth's most vicious life forms!

Oh, but they don't have a wild boar, the true king of the jungle! Check out the Broadway musical pose Optimus and Megatron are in. Looks like they're about to break out into song while doing an interpretive dance number.

Optimus: Your Predacons are weakening Megatron!

WHAT?! How can anyone be weakening? The fight just started! Did somebody lose a page of the script or something? What the hell is this?

Megatron: Perhaps! But your Maximals will never make it into our lab! Behold!

WABLAM!

So Megs presses a little red button on his hand and the entire lab conveniently explodes. As soon as the battle starts. Yeah, way to go, Megatron. Idiot.

Megatron: You may have won this battle, but the Beast Wars have just begun! We'll be back in any form at any time! So when you least expect it...EXPECT THE PREDACONS!

Won this battle? How did anyone win this battle? The Maximals showed up at the lab, and Megatron blew it up! Nobody wins anything, thus making this an entirely pointless exercise which gives us absolutely no insight into neither the characters of Optimus and Megatron, why they are Maximals and Predacons instead of Autobots and Decepticons, or why the hell they became beasts! Not only that, but there was hardly any fighting! I paid to see blood.

Beast Wars Transformers: Collect them all!

And this would be the best written portion of the entire book.

All right, I'm being hard on it. To tell the truth, the comic was drawn pretty well and coloured very nicely. And plus, the toys were pretty cool and the whole thing did do its job in introducing us to the Beast Wars.

Besides, it could have been worse.

Could have been a lot worse.

Sayonara.