For several months, or perhaps even years (I can't quite remember how long it's been), this stack of old comic books has sat on the floor of my room like a bump on a log. Due to their poor, ragged condition, I have never considered them as being part of my regular collection, which is all neatly put away in a box. This stack has been there for so long that I never really paid much attention to it, and more or less forgot that it was there. However, for some reason I recently decided, out of the blue, to look through this ancient pile of sequential art and uncover the mysteries that lurked within.

I'm not sure where much of this material came from. Most of it seems to be from the 80's and early 90's. Certainly, there are some titles that I remember faithfully buying, and even several specific issues that I remember reading in my younger days. But some of this stuff I am sure that I never read before. In fact, it's hard to believe that anyone had ever wanted to read some of these comics, let alone the fact that these actually exist in the first place.

I'll start off with something cool, one of my most favorite comics from back in the day: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures. Published by Archie Comics, this series started as adaptations of early episodes of the original TMNT animated series. Shown here are some well-worn copies of the first regular series issues, adapted from the episodes "Return of the Shredder" parts 1 and 2. These were some of the first comics that I had ever read, and I have fond memories of reading them over and over again, as well as taunting the other kids at school since no one else had these comics except me.

Things really started to kick into high gear when TMNT Adventures broke away from the cartoon and started creating original stories. That's when it became a huge epic, with all sorts of creative new characters, crazy mutants, and wild dimension spanning action. The artwork was often very expressive and colourful. It's an under rated comic amongst most folks, but the true fans know exactly what I'm talking about: it rocked. Of all the comics in this stack, I've got more TMNT Adventures than anything else, including more than one copy of a few issues for some reason.

As one would expect from me, there's a few Transformers comics here, from Marvel's original run. These early issues were full of hokey stories, several colouring errors, and some bland, sub par artwork on the robots. But who cares, right? It was Transformers!

This issue, which actually features some decent illustration by Herb Trimpe, ironically features an ad on the back for Nestle Quik chocolate milk mix announcing the Challenge of the Gobots Game; A contest in which contestants can win the grand prize of a complete set of Gobots toys, vastly inferior to their Transformers competition. I guess the challenge in this case was to get Transformers fans to actually care.

There's also a fair bit of super hero stuff here too. For some strange reason, I was always a big fan of Captain America growing up. I say it's strange because, well, I'm Canadian. I guess it was because he was a leader amongst the other heroes. Or perhaps it was because of the whole deal with the shield that he could throw. Looking back at it now, geez, some of this was really corny! The way this guy talks sometimes would make even a nice old lady tell him to get a life. But he was originally from a bygone era, so I suppose that's just his way. The surfing picture is from a subscription ad and not from any story, but it was just too funny to pass up showing here. I mean, just look at him.

Spider-man makes a few appearances in the stack as well. There are some classic reprints and a few issues from Todd McFarlane's era.

Then there's this little number, a comic where Spider-man goes to Canada and tells kids to say no to drugs. Yep. Well, actually there's a bit more to it than that, as there's actually some semblance of a decent story here, plus good artwork, again by Herb Trimpe. These books were given away for free by the Canadian Association of Chiefs of Police. It's really a nice gesture on the part of Marvel to put something together like this, so I'm not going to stoop to make fun of it or anything.

But, all this work had to be paid for somehow, and the corporate sponsorship has made for some very funny ads. Here we see two cheesy ones for different brands of laundry soap. But this ad is something else entirely. A completely unexpected and surreal moment where two pop culture icons collide, as Spider-man shills Frosted Flakes alongside Tony the Tiger. Yes, you read that right. You can get a free activity book inside specially marked boxes. Check out the cover.

Spider-man says "Electro's Getting Away!" and Tony the Tiger replies "I have a clue!"

A CLUE? He said he's getting away, you stupid orange bastard! You're a tiger! He's right there! BITE HIM OR SOMETHING!

Just think about it. Spider-man and Tony the Tiger. Together. Fighting crime. Together! It's enough to make your head explode! When Tony the Tiger AND Spider-man come together to tell you something, be it to join the Drug Free team or to take off your shoes before walking on the carpet, then you sure as hell better do it! You think they maybe hang out and shoot pool when they're not working? It's almost as mind boggling as if the Pillsbury Dough Boy were to team up with, I don't know, Robocop or something.

Now for some books based on forgotten 80's toy and cartoon properties. We'll start with Dino Riders, a toy line where dinosaurs were outfitted with high tech weaponry and used in battles between aliens. The cover tells us to "Harness the Power of Dinosaurs", and it looks like that's exactly what they did, because the whole gimmick went extinct pretty quickly. And then we have Starriors, in which a dumb looking robot does battle with an even dumber looking spider. I'd never even heard of this franchise, and it's no wonder. The characters within have about as much personality as a cardboard box. The thing about these 80's toy comics books is that the drawing style always looks the same, and it's hardly what I'd call impressive. I suppose it got the job done, though.

An issue of The Real Ghostbusters and the 1st issue of its spin-off Slimer are also in the pile, both based on the great 80's cartoon, which was in turn based on the great 80's movie. Published by NOW Comics, these books have decent, full painted artwork, bright coloured on high quality paper. Plus, they both have ads for comics based on the anime classics Astro Boy and Speed Racer, also published by NOW. I was not completely aware of their existence. I wonder if they're worth looking into.

Ahh yes, the Incredible Crash Dummies. Those toys are so cool. With spring-loaded buttons that would send their limbs flying off, they let children safely indulge in their natural violent tendances. I ask you, what's not to like about that? This comic, published by Harvey of Casper and Richie Rich fame, is corny and formulaic, with multiple puns involving the words "Crash" and "Dummy". But it's not without its charm.

And then we had Count Duckula, based on the "zany" British cartoon who's wittiest gimmick is replacing the "Drac" in Dracula with "Duck". In this issue, the Count decides for some reason to become a country western singer and dons some rather effeminate pink clothing and a hat bigger than his head. The redeeming factor here is that we also get a Danger Mouse backup story in this issue. Man, Danger Mouse was so freakin' funny! A great cartoon that's under rated on these shores. In this story, a villain makes Danger Mouse change to different colours, causing him to loose control of his emotions. He solves this problem by faxing a message to the comic book's colourist saying to take a page off with pay. Clever!

Probably the most entertaining part of this particular book is the comic style ad on the back cover, where Captain America teams up with Colgate Junior, a giant talking tube of toothpaste, to do battle with the evil Count Plaqula in "The never ending battle against children's tooth decay". Geez, super heroes used to whore themselves out for advertisements back then the same way that washed up celebrities do today! How ironic that Count Plaqula appears on the back of a Count Duckula comic.

A lone Masters of the Universe comic resides in the pile. We are given the impression here that this issue will see the death of He-Man. Of course, it's all a big bait and switch. The story is actually about Prince Adam traveling forward through time, where he meets up with his future self in a time where He-Man does not exist. Judging by the looks of future Adam's freaky beard, this is because Adam has decided to become Amish. The past and future Adams decide to team up to try and change the future. If I knew I was going to wind up with a stupid Amish beard like that, I'd try to change the future too. And if any Amish people out there find that offensive, then they can e-mail me about it.

It's Alf! The fuzzy little alien Sitcom star of the 80's. Geez, they'd make a comic book about anything in those days. Far be it for me to say that Alf wasn't great back then, however.

MadBalls! Another short lived franchise that played upon children's love of all things nasty and gross. They were, well, balls, made of foam and detailed with disgusting characteristics. With names like Bash Brain, Snake Bait, Slobulus, and Swine Sucker, they pushed every button they could to offend parents and (perhaps thus) appeal to kids. And yes, I was one of those kids. I remember enjoying these comics, and I even remember watching a hilarious cartoon video.

Don't ask me why I have this. I have no idea.

Wait, what am I so ashamed of? Muppet Babies was some quality stuff, dammit!

Ok, there has been some fairly strange stuff in here, but nothing, and I mean nothing can possibly beat this:

The Adventures of Jell-O Man and Wobbly!

First Issue! Collector's edition! Contains "The Secret of Jell-O Man's Origin"!

That's right kids, have no fear, for Jell-O Man will protect Jell-O snacks from evil! Along with Wobbly, his mentally challenged talking dog, they are made from the letters that spell Jell-O, and were brought to life by a freak holographic packaging accident. With Jell-O Man's ability to make his round head roll off his body, and Wobbly's ability to only say "Yeah yeah, yeah yeah!", the gluttonous forces of evil don't stand a chance! Jell-O forever!

God, I wish I was making this stuff up. I can only assume that this is some kind of free promotional gimmick or something. It's one of the strangest things I've ever seen, and as evidenced by everything else I've written in this article, that's saying an awful lot.

And so with that we have come to the bottom of the pile. Yeah, some of that was pretty lame, but you know what? Most of these comics came from a time when a lot of kids actually read comics. And you didn't need to be a life long, hardcore fan with and ego almost as massive as your waist size in order to get into a book. The time when I was a kid was probably the last time in history where kids read comics like they did back then. Certainly the comic book industry itself is partially to blame for things being in the state they are in now. But still, I have to say that kids these days just don't appreciate some of the simpler things in life, like a goofy comic book story about whatever fad-of-the-moment toy or cartoon is out there. They'd rather watch music videos about pimps and bitches and crap like that. Even though I've made fun of it here, I say that the days of crazy comics for kids should make a come back!

Except for Jell-O Man. What the hell was that all about?

Sayonara.

Can you shed any light on these mysteries held within this Stack of comics? Or perhaps you have a mystery of your own or a memory you'd like to share. Come on over to the message board leave your comments on this article!