Some of my favourite Marvel figures are the recent Spider-Man Classics line. Super detailed figures, loaded with articulation. You can move Spider-man into almost any of his famous poses. They're incredible figures, and I highly recommend them to anyone.

However, while figures of this quality do see release, most of the time us collectors are forced to deal with strange gimmicks, bizarre accessories, and awkward paint jobs. Take, for example, Batman action figures. There are over 200 versions of Batman, most of which are outfitted with gaudy neon outfits and huge gadgetry. We're talking figures like "Neon Monkey Armor Batman", "Jet-powered Waffle Iron Batman", "Green Pants Ninja Batman" and so on. As stupid as these may sound, kids do love them, and you could sort of rationalize it. After all, Batman is a scientist and a millionaire, so it would not be much of a stretch to think that Batman would have a wide array of costumes and gizmos at his disposal (bright colours notwithstanding). Essentially, they have to come up with this stuff in order to justify making different figures of the same central character.

And that brings us back to Spider-Man. A smart guy, true, but no millionaire. Yet, year after year, we have been treated to plenty of multi-coloured, gimmick laden Spider-Man figures. On their own, they're pretty harmless. Kids love 'em, and collectors more or less ignore them in favour of figures like the above Spider-Man Classics. And while I am one of those collectors who prefers the more accurate figures, sometimes a product is released that is so strange that I just can not resist.

And this is it.

The Spiderman Classics 4-Pack!

Gag me with a spork. Maybe I'm alone on this, but that was one of the funniest things I ever read. It's just a random lumping of buzzwords and standard super hero cliches trying way too hard to sound cool. Defeat the "super fiends"? Give me a break! It wasn't even proofread (much like this website, now that I think about it). But at least they're attempting to give a reason as to why we're getting these 4 figures packaged together, as silly as it all is.

So, here's our cast of characters.

Spider-man

I believe that the original, individually packaged version of this figure included some under-water scuba gear, with flippers and the whole works. But here, while the other included figures have accessories of some sorts, this guy doesn't have anything. Since his spider-powers would be difficult to utilize when he can't even keep his balance, this makes him the most worthless super hero figure ever.

Not only that, but he was manufactured incorrectly. The upper portion of his left arm is reversed. Someone put another right shoulder piece where there should be a left one, and attached the left forearm to it. Now what's really sad is that I've had these figures for a few months now, and I just noticed that while writing this article. I guess I am an idiot.

Let's move on.

Sea Battle Spider-man

Somehow, we are supposed to believe that Peter Parker has developed a way to change himself into translucent blue Jello. How this new look is supposed to help him battle under the sea is anyone's guess. Plus, instead of actually relying on his super powers to defeat his enemies, he now just shoots him with his purple torpedo launching giant water cannon.

As wrong as this is, there is still a certain appeal to this guy. It's almost like looking at a train wreck. I know it's bad, but I just can't turn away. In fact, with the sculpted pose, the huge gun, and the electric blue plastic, I can see something likeable about it. This freak of nature will no longer be known as Sea Battle Spider-man. Rather, it shall henceforth be referred to as "SykoGrafix Spider-man"!

And now for the sad part. His left elbow joint is extremely loose, as if it has been bent, and looks like it could break at any moment. I'm beginning to see why this was only 10 bucks.

Next up is..

Air Strike Spider-man

Well, this guy ain't so bad, I guess. The costume is pretty typical of a figure like this, being that it's just another new, made up design being painted onto the same standard Spider-Man body that's been used on countless other figures. The big flying gizmo is the real kicker, though. It's got deploying wings, a flip down helmet with targeting sight, and a rocket launcher on his back. I guess we're just supposed to disregard the fact that he still wouldn't really be able to fly with a gizmo like that strapped to his back and around his groin. That's right, those engines would lift him up by his groin. But that's ok, stranger things have happened in the Marvel Universe.

What I don't understand, however, is what those stupid red tubes are for. On the box it shows a picture of him holding them, so I guess that we're supposed to think that they are the controls. What I really want to know is how he can hold one while his left hand is permanently sculpted in the web shooting position. That pretty much makes those things into nothing more than a pair of hanging nipple decorations.

"Where did you get this piece of junk? From the back of a cereal box? How do you see out of it?"
"Shut up! Just give it back! I'm naked without it."

Aww, who am I kidding? I can't help but to wave this guy in the air while making "woosh!" noises.

Finally, the last one.

Deep Sea Venom

Ok, so according to the back of the box, Spidey's greatest villains used technology to make themselves more dangerous. In the case of Venom here, it looks like he used the technology of gluing some plastic fins to his back and covered himself in red nail polish in order to better fight in the deep sea. Then he fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

His "accessories" are two translucent green plastic strings of goo, which can be creatively wrapped around him. That's it. Well, that and he's got an extra Venom face for a hand. So I guess he'll never be lonely

He is, however, highly detailed and very cool looking. Kind of like a McFarlane Spawn figure, only you can actually move Venom without breaking it. His jaws can even move up and down. All in all, he's the best of the bunch. But it still doesn't explain why he's a big red fish freak. He fits in pretty well with "SykoGrafix" Spidey, though.

"What the hell happened to you?"
"What the hell happened to me? Well what the hell happened to you?"

So, in the end, we have 3 Spider-Men and 1 Venom, leaving the webslinger with a distinct advantage. Of course, hero figures always sell better to the kiddies than the bad guys, but still, it kinda sucks to be a villain.

As ridiculous as this set of figures is, as much as fanboy collectors may hate stuff like this, I just can't help but to have fun with them. Sure, the designs are pretty messed up and about as un-Spidey-like as you could get, but damn it, I like 'em any way. They're just so goofy.

And, lucky for me, another Spider-man 4 pack has been released, with an even funnier batch of figures. I think I'll be picking up that one too.

"Look, guys. Whatever kind of party you're throwing here... count me out!"

Sayonara.