Oh no! My work don`t fit at all! I was oddly amused by these comments, if not only from the incredibly baseless accusations and insubstantial insults, but also from the bizarre mutations the English language was subject to under Paul's seemingly experimental form of prose. Now, certainly if Paul doesn't like my art, then I have no problem with that. It's his opinion and he's entitled to it. But since the first thing he said when expressing this opinion was "Hey,you suck", well... that I have a problem with. That's not constructive criticism by any stretch of the term, and as everyone knows by now, I am not one to take that sort of insult lying down.

Paul is proclaiming himself to be a Transformers fan, and came to my site looking for Transformers artwork. Not only did he hate all of my art, but apparently he thought that I was very arrogant in the way I presented it! Now, just to double check, I went back and looked through all of the Transformers artwork that I've put up on the site, and I reread all of the comments included therein. I don't personally see a single instance where any reasonable person would consider something I wrote there regarding the artwork itself as arrogant. I see comments like "I'm happy with how this turned out", and "I dig it", but that's it. Is that arrogant? I don't think so. In fact, I have also pointed out things in my artwork that I think could have been better! Of course, the possibility exists that I somehow made an unconscious effort to come across like I think that I am the greatest Transformers artist in all of history, I don't know. So maybe I'm wrong about being arrogant. But I seriously doubt it.

Ahh, but here is where it gets really interesting. Unlike most of the cowardly idiots who spam my guestbook with their nonsense and don't have the guts to stand by their own words, Paul here actually left an e-mail address! Credit goes to Paul for that, because that's the right thing to do if you really believe in what you say. So, I thought I'd return the favor and tell him exactly what I thought of his little commentary by sending him this e-mail.

Hey Paul! Guess what? You suck too! You think that my work is good for an 8 year old child? Well, I've seen 8 year old children that can articulate themselves through writing much better than you. But then you say that I have no talent to draw any character, but that does not make any sense, Paul! You just said that my work is good for an 8 year old child, so that means that I do have talent, the talent of an 8 year old child who is good at drawing. Make up you mind, Pauly!

I don't think that the comments in my Transformers art are very arrogant at all. If anything, I'm usually pretty hard on myself. I'm the first to point out when there's something wrong, so I don't know what you are talking about. Perhaps you are just making things up?

If you don't like my style of artwork then that's ok, it's your opinion. But for you to say that I suck and my work don't fit at all (what the hell does that even mean?) is just asinine. I'll draw any character I want in any style that I want, and there's nothing that you or anyone else can do about it!

Thanks for leaving these comments in my guestbook, Pauly-boy. And that's especially for making them so ignorant and unconstructive, because now I have something to make fun of and share with my fans. If you don't like that then that's too freakin' bad, and hopefully you'll learn that next time you don't like someone's artwork you'll actually give feedback and offer up an intelligent opinion instead of being stupid and rude and making a fool out of yourself.

In conclusion, bite me!

Sayonara.

Oh yes, that felt good. I especially like that whole comparison to 8 year old children. Obviously Paul must be very familiar with them. You may think that this was too harsh, or that I was unwarranted in responding to him at all. Perhaps, in retrospect, I would agree, but he did say that I suck, and he didn't really give much of a reason as to why, so I think he got exactly what he had coming to him. And usually that's where it ends. But this wouldn't be much of a story if it ended right here. It didn't take long for Paul to respond via e-mail, and thus the battle began.

All of Paul's e-mails are completely unedited and are presented to you exactly as I received them. I am in no way making any effort to make him look bad. He's done a pretty good job of doing that all by himself.

Hey sucker, i`m german and my english is very bad `cause i`ve learned t with an translater.i knew that.but it is realy bad work you did.not One of your drawings look like the original characters.and ok,i was wrong.an 8 years old child can do it much better.i`ve seen better arts in the net than you do punk.even i can do better ones.of course,it`s not because your styl to draw why they are so bad.it`s the point of talent.and you have no talent to draw transformers.ok,you can draw manga girls,but not transformers.and arrogant is still your second name.when someone reads your comments to your pics he will find out,that you throw your work to mars.you realy think that your pics are good.that is the sad thing about that.and i think my english (learned by one book) is better than your drawing(learned years at shool).so face the truth my friend.you still suck and you have a lot to learn `bout drawing.but you idiot don`t understand that `cause you have a too big ego. so fuck off you talentless freak. best wishes to get any talent for you little boy. paul

Well isn't this revealing! Some very brazen remarks here! And some very strange ones too!

So it turns out that he's not a complete idiot, he just doesn't speak English. OK, English isn't the first language for everyone, so it's not fair to hold it against him if his spelling and grammar completely blow. However, when you're misspelling words like "styl" that I had already spelled correctly in my previous e-mail, well that's pretty lazy if you ask me. To say nothing of the fact that his grammatical structure is atrocious in any language. But even with all the excuses he might have about being poor at English, there's no denying that his writing makes him out to be a world class jerk no matter what language he speaks. Although, he does like my manga girls, so maybe he's not all bad.

I had assumed that Paul was from Germany based on his e-mail address, and now that I had confirmation, I really had to restrain myself from making the obvious joke.

David Hasselhoff.
(Why? What'd you think I was going to say?)

Yes, David Hasselhoff. Quite possibly the one person on Earth more delusional than me. What does he have to do with all of this? Well, in addition to staring in perennial television favorites like Knight Rider and Baywatch and being featured in such classic films as Sponge Bob Square Pants, legend has it that David Hasselhoff is a popular singer in Germany and has had #1 hits over there. So, whether there is any truth to this tale, or if the reports of his popularity are greatly exaggerated, it makes no difference. Whenever I think of Germany, I am forced to think of David Hasselhoff. Please understand that I am not entirely comfortable with this notion.

So even though I really wanted to, I decided to take the high road and not do the obvious "Oh yeah? Well you like David Hasselhoff!" joke. I didn't want to resort to stereotyping. This was difficult, but I forged ahead with my next message to him. And I decided to do the friendly thing by including some German in there too, thanks to Babelfish.

Hey sucker,

Guter Tag zu Ihnen, mein Freund!

i`m german and my english is very bad `cause i`ve learned t with an translater.i knew that.

I'm sorry to hear about your plight. But you know what? A jackass is still a jackass, in any country and in any language. And you, mon ami, are a jackass.

but it is realy bad work you did.not One of your drawings look like the original characters.

I don't even know what you mean here. I don't want my drawings to look like the original characters. They are, in fact, my interpretations of those characters, who while having the same details, are drawn differently, since that's just the way I do things. In fact, I actually say so there in the comments! Don't like it? Ok. Think that means I suck? Then screw you.

You're not even backing up anything you say with proof or examples. How am I supposed to take you seriously? What are you really trying to accomplish here?

and ok,i was wrong.an 8 years old child can do it much better.

Sure they can. Just keep telling yourself that. How many 8 year olds do you know, anyway? I'd like to see their artwork. Perhaps I can learn a thing or two from them. Or are you just saying that out of your ass in a vain attempt at stirring up trouble? Yeah, I figured as much. Come on, Paul, that's pretty lame. What's next, you're going to say that my mother is overweight or some other school yard insult?

I'm pretty familiar with the abilities of a typical 8 year old artist, considering how I have taught several of them over the past 6 years. Now far be it for me to devalue the accomplishments of an 8 year old artist, but I don't think that I'm being outrageous when I say that you're full of garbage.

i`ve seen better arts in the net than you do punk.

Yeah, so have I. What's your point? It's not like I ever said that I was the best, or that I was better than anyone else. And you know what? Some of the guys who do these "better arts", as you call them, are friends of mine! And you know what else? A lot of those folks really like my web page! And I'll bet that they also think that you're an idiot for saying the things that you've said. How about that, huh? What a world.

even i can do better ones.

Woah woah woah, here, cowboy! Those are fighting words! You can't just say something like that and not back it up. Prove it! Let's see your stuff! Get yourself a web page and we'll all see what you can do! If you want you can even get an 8 year old to help you! I just hope he remembers to tell you to stay inside the lines when you colour.

of course,it`s not because your styl to draw why they are so bad.it`s the point of talent.and you have no talent to draw transformers.

Well, that's a very subjective thing, Paul-chan. Some people like the way I draw Transformers. Some people don't. That's fine. But to say that I have no talent, and that I "suck" is pretty short sighted. I mean, yeah, they're not perfect or anything (nor would I ever say that they are), but no talent? No talent whatsoever? Come on, Paul. You're obviously just joking around here. Cut that out, you big kidder you.

ok,you can draw manga girls,but not transformers.

Whoo! So you admit it! I *DO* have some talent after all! You like those girlies, don't you Pauly? Yeah, I thought so. They're cute.

and arrogant is still your second name.

Well, guilty as charged, then! I mean, when scum like you decide to prove their existence to me in the manner you have done, then what choice do I have but to believe that I am, in fact, a far superior life form? In light of your idiocy, it seems pretty obvious to me!

when someone reads your comments to your pics he will find out,that you throw your work to mars.

......

............. mars?

....... What the hell does that even mean?!! Why would I throw something that far? So the aliens can see it too?

I guess that must be some kind of expression I'm not familiar with. I still don't see it, man. I don't know what you are reading, because at no place in my comments did I ever say that I was a great as you think I think I am at drawing Transformers.

you realy think that your pics are good.that is the sad thing about that.

Yeah, I think they're good. So what? I never said that they were the best, and I often point out things that could be better. But I'm happy with most of them. If you've got a problem with that, then choke on it, fanboy.

and i think my english(learned by one book) is better than your drawing(learned years at shool).so face the truth my friend.you still suck and you have a lot to learn `bout drawing.but you idiot don`t understand that `cause you have a too big ego.

Sorry. I guess I'll go back to "shool". *snicker*

I never once said that I still didn't have anything to learn. Seriously now, are you just making stuff up? If your English is really this poor, then maybe you should pause to consider that you might not be reading correctly!

so fuck off you talentless freak.

Hey now, I may be a freak, but let's not resort to that kind of language here! You might actually hurt someone's feelings. Ha ha ha!

best wishes to get any talent for you little boy.

Well thanks very much. And might I reiterate how much I've loved our little conversations. For you see, lots of people like my artwork and my website, but lots of people also like how I make fun of stupid people just like you! You've given me so much content to work with here, it is an absolute joy to read and blast apart. It will provide hours of entertainment to vistors of my website for generations to come. But by all means, if you take offense to me publicly exposing how big of a fool you are, as you so rightly deserve, then take my advice and do what you should have done in the first place: Shut the Hell up. Because there is nothing that you can say or do that can make me change my mind about my artwork and my website, and that's not because I have a big ego, but rather because your juvenile and incohesive comments have proven yourself to be a tactless little punk-ass bastard with no manners, no taste, poor communication skills, and no sense of honor. Which means that nobody is ever going to listen to you or believe anything you have to say. Honestly, your opinion became null and void the moment you decided to exclaim yourself by typing "you suck", and for that you need to realize that it is actually you who are, in fact, the one who sucks!

Haben Sie einen schönen Tag, Idioten!

Sayonara.

Man, that "you throw your work to mars" thing, what is that any way? That's just hilarious! I think I can understand what he means, but at first I was cracking up by how weird that sounded! I mean, if I think my work is so good, wouldn't I rather keep it on Earth? And wouldn't my work be hard to throw that far since, you know, it "don`t fit at all"?.

I have a big problem with people who are not artists and know nothing about what it takes to draw go out of their way to bash someone who's putting their work out there, especially when they go and act like they can do better. It's as if making good artwork is just so freakin' easy, and so anyone who can't produce anything that meets with the lofty expectations of these expert non-artists must simply be completely inept. That's essentially what Paul has been saying, and he actually thinks that I'm arrogant. So, I called his bluff, but at this point I had pretty much expelled all the malice I had and was looking at the potential for having some fun with all this.

hey asshole, you make me sick again.i will say nothing against your mother.it`s hard enough for her to have pulled out you.i have some news for you sucker.i WILL draw a transformer.and i`ll prove you that i have the tallent to draw more original than you do.i don`t need any digital or photo shop colorings.I draw a simple black and white autobot with no backrounds.i don`t say anithing without proving that i can.i have not learned to draw like you.but i can do it with the blink of an eye.you`ve made it personal.that`s ok with me.i can stand my man against you.if you want to make jokes,make your jokes.but nothing what you`re saying can hurt me.because i still think that you sucks my friend.by the way,deine deutsch versuche sind für`n arsch du pissflitsche.ok,i`m not perfect and maybe you don`t like my picture but it means nothng to me if you don`t like it.i know you will say that it is shit if you like it or not.because you think you are that damned smart.i can send you an excellent draw and you will say it is shit.because you don`t like me and you try to hurt me.but i don`t care about that.so ninjatron (you don`t even have the guts to show your real name),it`s on.

Oh, it's on all right! This is where the battle really heated up. He's obviously taking this very seriously, and I'm quite curious as to what where this will lead. He doesn't seem to have a very high opinion of me, which is kind of unfair since he was the one who started with the whole "you suck" thing, and he's already resolved himself into thinking that I'm going to hate whatever he does outright. That's just not true. I would always judge a piece of art on its own merits. But despite all of his doubts, he still actually intends to go through with it. I'll give him credit for that.

According to Babelfish "deine deutsch versuche sind für`n arsch du pissflitsche" means "yours German tries is fuer`n ass you pissflitsche". Hmm, something's lost in translation there. I think he's saying that I suck at German. Ouch.

At the end he says that I don't have the guts to show my real name. Really, at this point, what difference does it make? I've been going by Ninjatron since 1997. I am Ninjatron. If you're looking for Ninjatron, I'm the guy you'll find. I don't use this name to hide my identity. After this long, it might as well be my identity!

So here is my reply. I'm still sounding pretty intense here, even though I was secretly snickering the whole time.

Ok, Pauly-boy, sounds good to me. Do your little drawing, and perhaps I'll do a new one too, and we'll let the people decide who sucks the most. But regardless of the outcome I'll prove myself to be a bigger man then you, because I won't just say that it sucks just because I don't like you. I'll give you my honest feedback without being rude, you know, the way that actual civilized people behave, unlike you with your schoolage insults.

But just think about this while you're drawing. Compare all of those things you've been saying to me, like how even you can draw better than me, to my own commentary on my art that you read on my website. And you honestly think that *I* am arrogant? HA! Now look at at who is throwing their work to mars! Compared to you I'm looking very humble. I'll keep making my jokes, but nothing is as big of a joke as that is.

So let's see what you've got! Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!

Sayonara.

Hey, that was pretty clever, bringing back the whole "work to mars" thing. I forgot I wrote that! Paul doesn't seem very impressed with anything I have to say though. Either that or he just doesn't get it. Paul's next e-mail proved to me that there are several other things that he doesn't understand either.

yeah! i know who prove more that he is an idiot.it`s you my friend.do your drawing mister nameless.do one simple character.without backrounds.without color.becaus with the right programs everyone can draw all on his computer.so draw it with your hand.i can draw the better originals.and the point of arrogance goes again to you.your mails are full of it.and let the people decide?man mo one has saying a damn thing about my gb entry.they don`t care about what stands in your gb.ok,a few may like your site,but the people who think the same as i do ignore your site because it is one with the crap draws.and that mister nameless is the truth.yeah,your jokes are very dumb.your talent.......not found yet.and in the evolution line you should placed behind the cavemen.it has no sense.you hide that you`re as dumb as an ape with knowledge(??i think you copy every single word)from books.maybe i`m wrong,but i don`t think so.so hold on your breath and wait for my draw.i don`t care about what the people may say.i say it clear:i can`t draw.but i can draw the originals more original than you.i take one out of the tv series from the 80`s.and it will be.......optimus prime.the one that moste of us loved in our childhood.ok,enough talked.let`s do it. good luck mister nameless.

Sheesh! He actually said that anyone can draw on the computer with the right programs. That's completely and utterly ridiculous, and anyone who believe that is incredibly naive. It takes just as much skill and practice to make digital artwork as it does any traditional medium, if not more. The computer and the graphics software is just a tool like any other. It is not the weapon that matters, but the strength of the arm that wields it! There's some ninja philosophy from "mister nameless". Whether or not I am a great artist, I will leave that to the people to decide. But if I am great, it's not just because I can use a computer.

There's a lot more weird stuff in here! He suddenly brings up cavemen, and says that I'm as dumb as an ape with knowledge. I suppose if I was a creationist I'd have been really offended by that, but I was instead left in a state of bewildered amusement. Where does he get this stuff? It's great. And his "the crap draws" is even better! That just has such a nice ring to it. Could be a great new marketing gimmick!

Now in my reply you can start to see that I'm beginning to toy around with him. Except of course in retaliation to his comments about drawing with a computer. I took that pretty seriously, and I sure as hell wasn't about to let somebody get away with saying something like that. However, those ignorant comments eventually gave me an idea about how I could shake things up a bit later on.

yeah! i know who prove more that he is an idiot.it`s you my friend.do your drawing mister nameless.do one simple character.without backrounds.without color.becaus with the right programs everyone can draw all on his computer.so draw it with your hand.

Just by saying this you have proven your ignorance. Everyone can draw with the right programs? That is just wrong on so many levels. It just proves that you have no idea what you're talking about.

But, fine, that's ok. I accept your terms. It will be black and white with no background. But if you wanted to go ahead and do some fingerpainting on your drawing, than that's ok, I'll let you! :)

i can draw the better originals.and the point of arrogance goes again to you.your mails are full of it.and let the people decide?man mo one has saying a damn thing about my gb entry.they don`t care about what stands in your gb.ok,a few may like your site,but the people who think the same as i do ignore your site because it is one with the crap draws.

The one with the crap draws? The one? The only one? That's hilarious.

and that mister nameless is the truth.yeah,your jokes arevery dumb.your talent.......not found yet.and in the evolution line you should placed behind the cavemen.

No! I don't want to stand behind a caveman! They smell bad!

it has no sense.you hide that you`re as dumb as an ape with knowledge(??i think you copy every single word)from books.maybe i`m wrong,but i don`t think so.

Comic books, actually.

so hold on your breath and waitfor my draw.i don`t care about what the people may say.i say it clear:i can`t draw.but i can draw the originals more original than you.i take oneout of the tv series from the 80`s.and it will be.......optimus prime.theone that moste of us loved in our childhood.

Woah! You picked Optimus Prime? I never would have guessed that you would pick him! That's a big suprise!

ok,enough talked.let`s do it. good luck mister nameless.

Yes, enough talked indeed. You show me yours and I'll show you mine!

And good luck to you, mister nameful (?!?)

Sayonara.

Yeah, big surprise on the selection of Optimus Prime, the most overexposed Transformers character in the history of the franchise. I should know, I drew him a billion times. Guess there was no chance of him picking a character like Skids or Runamuck or Horri-Bull. But if Optimus is who he wants, that's fine by me. I figured at this point that I'd pick a Decepticon then, and we'd really make this little contest into a good old fashioned Transformers showdown!